Tonks the Moony?
by Paris Lupin
Summary: Um some weird things are happening, have you ever thought what Remus would look like as a woman?


Nymphadora Tonks is a funny kind of woman. She's certainly not like any that I've met. She's bubbly, but not in that way that people annoy people; she doesn't need either her looks nor her personality to be Tonks… ahh, that makes no sense. Let me begin again; she's not like any woman that I, Remus Lupin, have ever come across.

This is because she can change her appearance, so I'm not really sure if she depends on her looks to win people over. Then again, her personality seems to change according to her mood, so she doesn't win people over with her personality either. But I do that too. It's normal to feel and act different everyday.

What's not normal is how she's looking at me right now.

Maybe I should wave? No. Don't be silly Remus, why would you wave to someone indoors? Why would you wave to someone indoors who is standing beside you? For Godric's sake man, stop having a mental conversation with yourself…in your own head! She's looking at you! Say something smooth.

"You look like yourself today," I say, as nonchalantly as possible.

Well done, idiot. _You look like yourself_. Is that really the best you could come up with?

"Yeah, I know," she grins, "Decided to save my metamorphmagus abilities for other things,"

I laugh awkwardly, either she's saving her ability for work, or for fun. How can you save your ability to change your face _for fun?_ Merlin, this woman is weird.

"Nymphadora, it's really not a good idea to just announce you've got abilities like that out in public. I mean, who knows who could hear you?"

"Who knows who could hear me?"

"Whose nose can hear you?"

We stare at each other for a minute; I'm not used to illogical nonsense, and she's quite unused to hearing it come from me. We've been talking about hearing-noses. Well done Remus, that's certainly how you win someone over.  
Thankfully Sirius has entered the room to save me. I always knew I could count on my good old friend Padfoot-

"Moony, I've just sat on your chocolate by accident. I didn't notice it on the sofa, sorry,"

Or not. Stupid mutt, that was my favourite chocolate too; Honeyduke's own brand of butterscotch filled chocolate.

"Just thought I would tell you, in case you tried to eat it," he added.

"Thank you for telling me,"

"Y'know, because my bottom's been on it,"

"Yes, so I've heard,"

"-and that means it's bum chocolate,"

"Yes Sirius, it's been on your bum. I should probably_ burn_ it now," I say, pinching the bridge of my nose. Honestly, twelve years in Azkaban have not changed this idiot in the slightest.

"You definitely don't want to eat bum chocolate, it sounds like shi-"

"Alright, Sirius! I get it! No bum chocolates for Remus!" I say in exasperation. Tonks has been watching the whole conversation and biting her lips to keep herself from laughing. She's gone pink in the face. Every time we said the word 'bum' she let out a giggle. Yeah, she's definitely related to Sirius. They're _both _laughing now.

"Lupin! Black! What nonsense are you two jabbering about?" I hadn't noticed Kingsley come into the room. He raises his eyebrows at us.

Wait, he has eyebrows? But…he's bald? Maybe he just shaves his head? I thought he'd lost _all_ his hair. I can tell Sirius is thinking the exact same thing as me, because he's squinted at Kingsley's forehead too.

"Believe me, any conversation involving Remus Lupin is bound to be odd," says Tonks with a wink. Damn it, now she thinks I'm crazy. Well…if she didn't think badly of me anyway, what with the werewolf issue and being best friends with an escaped madman and being addicted to chocolate…

"Say, Kingsley… you've got eyebrows-" began Sirius.

Oh dear Merlin, not this. Sirius Black can't you ever keep your mouth _shut_. Kingsley, being the only sane one among us, does what most people tend to do around Sirius; ignore him.

"I wonder what I'd look like if I were you!" says Tonks, smiling at Kingsley. Sirius looks at her in confusion.

"You'd…you'd look like him. If you were _him_." He says plainly. Oh _now_ he chooses to be logical. Tonks looks a little embarrassed; she shakes her bubblegum locks and laughs.

"No, you numpty. I meant, what would I look like if I was a female Kingsley!" she explains, "I just…I said it wrong." She's blushing bright red now.

"I've often wondered what you'd look like as a woman," muses Sirius. We all look at him, half concerned, half amused.

"You…imagine me as a woman?" Kingsley looked mightily uncomfortable.

"No…it's just…I meant…er, Tonksie, just show us what he'd look like as a woman."

"Okie dokie!" she scrunches up her face for a moment, and begins to get tanner. Her hair shrinks back into her head. She stops short when her (ahem) breasts begin to flatten and her face begins to grow angular.

Oh good Godric, she looks _hideous_ as Kingsley.

It's like someone's stuck Kingsley's head on Tonks' body; the breasts are present, as are her dainty hands on the end of long, muscular arms.

They all roar with laughter, and Sirius asks to see his female self. Oh good lord, I have to look away now. I don't want to see my best friend's face on the body of the woman I-

Of the woman that I…

Hmmn, that's…odd. What is Tonks to me, exactly? I've known her for long enough. She's never failed to make me laugh. Or never failed to put up with me after full moon. But she's just not like the women I've met, so I can't be sure of what I think about her.

She's laughing now, looking horribly like a cross between Sirius and his house elf. The Sirius-elf has rather large breasts…Oh, Merlin.

But she's still Tonks. Even when she's not _Tonks._

She's omnipresent in personality and looks, and that's what makes her…Tonks. She's not a tomboy like Lily was; she's not feminine like Fleur; homely like Molly; she's not studious like me…wait. Why am I referring to myself as a woman? Oh Godric, Remus. All those times Sirius and James called you a girl is finally taking effect on you. Now I'm having another conversation in my head. Tonks already thinks I'm a nutcase, and now I don't want her thinking I'm effeminate. I'm masculine. I am Moony the Masculine. Moony, I am masculine. I am not a woman.

"Hey, Remus, look at this-" says Tonks, turning and scrunching her face. She's turning into a female me. Oh god, she _does_ think I'm effeminate!

"I AM NOT A WOMAN!" I shriek at her, without thinking.

She lets out a shriek, and falls back.

"Oh, Godric, I'm so sorry Nymphadora! Let me help you up!" I say, feeling really foolish. I'd shouted out the last bit of my internal 'Moony the Masculine' conversation at her. She definitely thinks I'm off my rocker now.

"It's okay, I'm sorry if I offended you. I'll change back now," she mumbles. She scrunches up her face.

Nothing happens.

She tries again.

Nothing happens.

"Oh no…oh no, oh no, oh no…"

She looks up at me; I am a hideous woman. Really, my face does not suit breasts and curvy hips. Although my arms do look rather graceful. No, concentrate Moony, you're an ugly woman.

"I think I'm stuck."

"You're stuck, looking like Moony?" asks Sirius, absolutely aghast. "You're my best mate, but you are a _hideous_ woman. Ugh."

"We'll find a way to fix it, don't worry," I say, trying to be reassuring. The female me looks near tears. I think the male-me is near tears too; oh god, she's never going to like me now. Not now that I've confused her about noses, and bum-chocolate, screamed my 'Moony the Man' chant at her and left her stuck looking like my repugnant twin sister.

"We'll have to call Mad-Eye, he'll know what to do." Says Kingsley. He's speaking slowly, because he knows how calming that is. Honestly, the man could announce You-Know-Who had entered Headquarters and we'd probably feel relieved.

That's beside the point; I've been left with Tonks while Sirius and Kingsley go forth in search of Mad-Eye.

"Again, I'm so sorry, Nymphadora. I didn't mean to scream at you, its just…" how do I get myself out of this one? Come on Moony, you're a marauder. Think.

"Don't worry, Remus. And please, no more of this 'Nymphadora' business, please," she sniffed and then smiled, "I don't look much like a Nymphadora now, do I?"

I almost laughed.

"Honestly? The way you look right now makes me glad I don't have a twin sister," that made her giggle, "You looked better before."  
She looked horrified- not the reaction I was expecting. Am I really that bad at flirting?

"You liked the female-Sirius look?"

"Merlin, NO!" I say, a little too loudly. "No! No, I meant…like, the usual you. With the pink hair and tartan trousers and everything."

She's gone bright red, and she's smiling like a twit. Oho, Remus Lupin, you charmer.

Alright, stop talking to yourself and look at her.

"Thank you."

Ah, now I get it. Maybe it's only now I get it because she looks like me. She acts like me. Not to sound conceited like James, but she's my equal and opposite. We're prone to bouts of nonsense but she handles it so well. She's a lot of qualities condensed into one person and I think she's brilliant. If only I could utilize some of the Moony the Man charm and make a move of some sort. She's looking at me. We're leaning into each other…better close my eyes so it doesn't look like I'm about to kiss myself…

"WE FOUND MAD-EYE!" screams Sirius, bursting back into the room.

He takes one look at the situation and frowns.

"I'm not sure if this is considered incest or masturbation," he says, gesturing from me to Tonks, who was previously one inch away from being snogged senseless. "Moony, she looks just like you."

"Oi!"

"Sorry, she looks like you with breasts."

Oh how I wanted to jinx that fleabag Padfoot into jelly. He's turned into that over-bearing escaped madman relative.

"Ahh, I see what Kingsley meant now…" says Mad-Eye. "really, Tonks, there are better ways to fuel your Remus obsession than this."

Tonks spluttered something but I hadn't a clue what.

So, she thinks I'm crazy, yet she's a little crazy too? She's just like me. Except better looking, that's for sure.


End file.
